


The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Really Bad Affair of the Colonel and Meredith Miller

by LdyAnne



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M, Genderswap, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-18
Updated: 2011-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-27 12:35:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/295922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LdyAnne/pseuds/LdyAnne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rodney inadvertently activates an Ancient Device, he'll do just about anything to keep Sheppard from finding out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Really Bad Affair of the Colonel and Meredith Miller

**Author's Note:**

> While there are no actual spoilers, I've assumed knowledge of things we don't find out until later seasons, so just to be safe; we'll say possibility of spoilers of anything through season 5.
> 
> Written for the mcsheplets 'It's only just beginning' festival. With thanks to my beta chocolatephysicist. She always makes my stories better. Any mistakes remaining are my own.

When he first found it, Rodney mistook the Ancient device for a piece of jewelry left behind by an Ancient woman in her rush to leave Atlantis 10,000 years ago during the Wraith siege of the city.

You could hardly blame him. After all, the women in his department were always leaving little bit and pieces of their trinkets around – earrings, rings, bracelets, necklaces, (he shuddered remembering the day he found a tongue ring on a table in the lab just lying there where anyone could see it, or worse, pick it up).

You name it, Rodney had found bits and pieces of jewelry in desks, on counters (although how Simpson's earring came to be under the work bench was beyond him, and he refused to think about it. Because if he wasn't getting laid, neither was any of his staff), it was clearly what women did. They took off their jewelry, and LOST it.

They'd been so busy trying not to die at the hands of the Wraith that they hadn't taken the time to clean up properly after the storm that nearly destroyed the city. Now that the Daedalus had shown up like the cavalry in the nick of time and made a return trip with the Atlantis command staff, they'd brought with them a whole ship load of people who really thought they should get to sleep somewhere besides the floor.

Privately Rodney thought they were sissies and didn't deserve to be in Atlantis if they didn't come with the first wave of the expedition. Elizabeth, on the other hand, didn't see things that way.

No, she ordered Rodney and his team to clear some more space and find the new arrivals proper quarters in which to sleep.

When Rodney saw the sparkle on the corner of a desk in an empty room, he picked up the trinket carefully. The expedition had been bitten in the ass more than once by something that looked innocuous and innocent and turned out to contain flying darkness that tried to kill them all. But, as the pendant swung innocently in front of his face and did nothing but make him impatient, he decided that it was some decorative... something that an Ancient woman had missed in her hurry to depart from Atlantis.

It was pretty really. The main part of the pendant was a swirled green disk. One half was a light spring green, the other half was a darker forest green. The two colors flowed in and out of one another, almost like an embrace. It reminded him of the yin and yang symbol one of his former girlfriends had been so fond of.

Whatever it was, it was clearly not anything of interest as it couldn't be used to entice Sheppard to give him flying lessons with promises of cool weaponry and it wasn't going to whisper to him the secret of how to recharge a ZedPM so he might as well give it to Teyla or Elizabeth. They would like it. They were women and impressed with things that were pretty. Maybe he'd save it for a birthday present. He was terrible at remembering birthdays. It would be handy to have something around to use as a last minute gift.

Satisfied with his plan, Rodney dropped the pendant into his hand. When the smooth stone hit his palm, the world whirled around him, like gravity was changing or something equally unlikely. Stumbling, Rodney fell to one knee, the pendant falling from his hand to hit the floor with an oddly hollow thud.

The room settled around him, everything returning to its rightful place – up was once again up and down was the floor where he knelt. Rodney drew in a breath waiting to make sure the world wasn't going to explode around him again before attempting to move.

Sheppard found him like that, bent over on the floor, his face an alarming shade of red.

"Hey, buddy," Sheppard called as he sauntered into the room. "You okay?"

Rodney bent to pick up the pendant that had fallen to the floor. He scrabbled for the chain, shoving it into his pocket, a little mortified at having Sheppard find him there like that.

"I'm good," he said. "I'm ready to take you on at Ancient Civilizations," he made the challenge hoping to distract Sheppard from the fact that he was still shaking a little. Lately Rodney found himself trying to maybe tone down his inner hypochondriac. He wasn't quite sure what Sheppard's type was, but he was pretty sure it wasn't his whiny, scientist self.

It worked because Sheppard smiled at him in that slow, lazy way he had, and said, "Oh, you are so dust. Haldona is going to take Geldar down!"

~~~~~

When he got back to his quarters Rodney shoved the necklace into his computer bag. He meant to take it to the lab just to make *sure* it wasn't an Ancient device that would bite them in the ass someday. But in the day to day life of Atlantis (meaning a life and death emergency most days before breakfast), it really wasn't surprising that Rodney forgot about the bauble.

Until the time it was three in the morning (Atlantis time) and Rodney was working late in his lab. The main lab was sleepy and quiet; Rodney's workstation was the only island of light in the entire lab.

Rodney liked working at night. It was nice to be able to work without interruption. He could let his mind go. He didn't have to worry about tripping over anyone or making someone cry because he took their coffee or called their ideas stupid.

Rodney was running an important simulation on the power consumption of their ZedPM. While the ZedPM they had gave them a good amount of power for most things, it didn't give them unlimited power for everything. He wanted to find out how much power they did have if they had to run the shield at full strength for any amount of time, or if they could turn on every light in Atlantis just because they wanted to. It was important to know these things.

He was getting the 3 a.m. munchies, but he didn't want to have to go all the way to the mess hall because his simulation was almost finished running when he spied his computer bag. He thought there might be an extra power bar in one of the pockets.

As he was ferreting through the pockets for the power bar that he was certain was in there, Rodney's fingers encountered the chain. He pulled out the object, holding it aloft so it caught the light.

"There you are," he murmured to the necklace. It really was very pretty, he thought, as it swung in the air in front of his face. He dropped it into his palm.

Instantly the wave of nausea from before swept over him.

"What the...?" He clutched the edge of a work station as his knees threatened to buckle under him.

It was then that he happened to glance into the powered down monitor sitting at Zelenka's work station. He couldn't see a lot on the reflective surface of the screen, but he could see enough to know that it was a _woman's_ face peering back at him.

Dread swept through him as he realized what it was that he held in his hand.

He only had time to glance down and see that there were, indeed, _breasts_ on his chest, before the door to the lab swished open behind him and a voice called out,

"Hey McKay."

Usually Rodney looked forward to hearing that voice. Under normal circumstances it meant that Sheppard was coming to pry him away from work and ply him with promises of pudding cups and movies.

Only it wasn't normal circumstances. Rodney was pretty sure that his dick was gone. And wasn't it just perfect that it was Sheppard that found him in the same instant he turned himself into a woman?

Rodney straightened and turned slowly (carefully, because, while the whirling had stopped, he still wasn't terribly steady on his feet) to glare at the man leaning in the doorway to the lab.

"Isn't it about time for all good scientists..." Sheppard trailed off, staring at Rodney, eyes wide.

Rodney was resigned to the fact that John Sheppard was never going to let him forget that he had found an Ancient Gender Changing Device (AGCD) thereby turning himself into a girl.

He waited for the inevitable joke about always knowing that Rodney had been a girl, but no...

Sheppard wasn't making a joke. In fact he looked downright gobsmacked. Rodney only remembered seeing that particular expression on Sheppard's face once before when they were in the presence of an Ancient priestess.

Rodney watched as Sheppard started and then stopped at the sight of the woman standing in Rodney's lab at three in the morning.

"I'm sorry," he stammered a little, his gaze searching the room as if Rodney might be hiding behind one of the workbenches ready to jump out and yell surprise at any minute.

"I was looking for Rodney... uhm. McKay. Dr. McKay." He was taking in the woman curiously. Rodney felt a tingle go through him at being the focus of Sheppard's attention.

Rodney smiled at him, winningly he hoped. "He was tired and he went to bed a little bit ago." The female voice sounded weird to his ears, high and tinny, but Sheppard didn't seem to notice anything off. Rodney hung on to the counter of the work station, hoping that he didn't look as off balance as he felt. He gripped the pendant tightly in the other hand, not willing to let it go now.

Sheppard frowned in disapproval. "You mean he left you here alone in the middle of the night?"

Rodney's chin went up, "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Besides I like working at night. The rest of the idiots are gone and I can get some work done."

Sheppard smiled at that. Rodney felt himself go weak at the knees for completely different reasons than because his whole center of gravity was now different in his new body. "That's what Rodney, ah... Dr. McKay says. But seriously, you're new here right?"

Rodney found himself nodding. "I've only been here a couple of days. I came in with the new recruits on the Daedalus," he temporized. Maybe it was his new female brain, but the lie came out much smoother than was Rodney's normal want.

"Listen, Dr...?" John trailed off, obviously expecting an answer.

Rodney floundered for a second at that, but a name finally surfaced. "Meredith," he bit out. "Dr. Meredith Miller."

Sheppard smiled at him then, the goofy one he saved for Ancient Priestesses. Rodney's heart nearly stopped. "Well, Dr. Miller, the first thing you have to learn is to not let Rodney browbeat you into working all hours of the day and night. He'll take advantage if you let him. You just have to say no and mean it, he'll respect that. Eventually."

Rodney took a moment to be indignant that Sheppard was turning his scientists against him. Then he realized that John had moved when he wasn't paying attention. He was standing right next to Rodney.

"It's late and the city can be kind of spooky late at night when you're not used to it. Why don't you let me walk you back to your quarters?" John's voice was low and inviting.

Before he knew it, Rodney was powering down the all-important simulation without a word of protest and walking down the corridor side-by-side with John Sheppard.

"So, Dr. Meredith Miller, what do you think of my city?" John asked as they walked.

Rodney felt the words rising in him in protest. It wasn't Sheppard's damned city. If anything, it was Rodney's city because he was the one who got it to rise to the surface and kept it there. He was the one who knew its inner workings and loved it for the intricate work of art that it was. Sheppard was the one-night stand whereas Rodney was the faithful lover who'd be there when John broke the city's heart.

Of course Rodney didn't say that. He remembered just in time that Meredith Miller was new to the city and Rodney didn't think she said words like 'bullshit." "It's beautiful," he said, swallowing anything else about how it wasn't Sheppard's damn city.

"She is beautiful," John agreed with a charming smirk. He let his fingers trail along the wall like a caress. Rodney imagined those fingers skimming across his new curves and he shivered a little.

John saw the shiver, "Are you cold?"

Rodney tried to protest, but John shrugged out of his jacket. He draped it over Rodney's shoulders. "We can't have you getting sick. I would never hear the end of it if you got a cold while you were out with me. Rodney would find some way to blame me for it." John smiled at Meredith, including her in the joke.

Rodney found himself ridiculously charmed even though he knew he should be pissed because it was *him* that Sheppard was trash-talking. But he was doing it in such a gentle way that Rodney couldn't make himself mind.

"You sound like you know Rodn... Dr. McKay very well," Rodney knew he was going to hell for it, but he had to do a little fishing while he had the chance.

John's smile turned absolutely fond. It made Rodney weak-kneed all over again. "Well, McKay and I have been through a lot together..." Before he could say more they reached the transporter. The door opened for them automatically, responding to John's ATA gene. Without even thinking about it, Rodney touched the map where all the senior staff quarters were situated.

John looked out at the hallway in surprise when the door opened again. "You're living on this hall? That's odd." He didn't elaborate on how odd it was that someone fresh off the Daedalus was being assigned to the same hall where most of the senior staff lived, where everyone had been there since the beginning. He just tilted his head and regarded Meredith like she was a puzzle to solve.

Rodney knew that was dangerous. Sheppard might be fooled at the moment into thinking that Meredith was a real live girl. But he wasn't as stupid as his hair implied. Oh, he might want people to think that he was laid back and super cool, but he was 'could have been Mensa' smart. If Rodney gave him time to think about it he'd put two and two together and come up with Dr. Meredith Miller=Dr. Rodney McKay. Rodney couldn't allow that to happen. At any cost.

Rodney laughed. It was high pitched and slightly maniacal to his ears, "Here? Of course not. But it's where you live, isn't it, Colonel?" He let his voice go a little lower and huskier. He moved a little closer to John. "Maybe you'd like to invite me in?"

He let his breasts move right into John's personal space and make contact. A wave of pure lust shot through Rodney at that small brush. He felt the damn things tighten up, like he'd seen happen with other women. Women with whom he'd been having sex with at the time. He had never (in his wildest imaginings) thought to experience it first hand. He felt a wave of something warm and ... longing? hit him hard between the thighs and he thought that he might have done something embarrassing in his pants.

John stared at him, eyes wide and startled. He looked a little like a deer caught in the headlights just before a car slammed into it. He gulped before backing up abruptly, nearly colliding with the wall in his haste.

Rodney took a moment to enjoy his victory before he took a step forward. "Colonel?" he asked, doing his damnedest to dredge up an innocent look, not sure he was successful when John just pressed himself up against the wall harder and started to slide over towards his door.

"Listen," Sheppard said, babbling just a little. "It's late. I'm just going to turn in..." he took a hasty step backward and added "by myself," when Rodney smiled at him predatorily. "Will you be alright to get to your quarters now?"

Rodney wanted to do a hand pump in victory, but he settled for a demure smile. At least he hoped it was a demure smile. "I'll be alright from here, Colonel. Will I see you tomorrow?" He tried to imbue the word with all of the overt sexual tension he could pull from months of being in love with John Sheppard and never getting to let it show in public.

It worked like a charm. Sheppard looked like he'd seen a hive ship and it had "Colonel John Sheppard" written on its prow. He waved his hand in front of his door. "Oh, you can count on it," he said in the most insincere manner Rodney had ever heard from him before he stepped through the door and disappeared.

Rodney stood in the hallway triumphant that he had pulled off the act and made certain that John Sheppard would run as far from Dr. Meredith Miller as possible if he ever saw her again. At the same time, he remembered that brief brush of his new breasts against John's chest and he felt the loss of something he'd never had.

As he moved quickly down the corridor to his own quarters, Rodney realized that he still had Sheppard's jacket draped over his shoulders. Briefly he considered going back and knocking on Sheppard's door. Giving the jacket back. Maybe going in and...

No. Just no. He wanted Sheppard to forget about Meredith Miller.

He didn't breathe again until his door shut behind him. Rodney turned and made sure the lock was engaged just to be on the safe side.

Then he went to the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

It was just about the most surreal thing ever. And that was saying a lot in a galaxy filled with space vampires and Ancient devices left lying about like children's toys.

He was a woman. With breasts. It was disturbing. Rodney liked being a man. Not that he'd ever thought about it much. But he had a close and intimate relationship with his dick and now it was gone.

He stared at the reflection staring back at him. His hair was a little longer, the lines of his face were a little rounder, his body had more curves than he was used to. And the damnable breasts kept moving every single time he breathed.

All he could think about was that he looked like his sister Jeannie, and that? Was wrong in so many ways.

He was startled by Sheppard's voice in his ear. "Hey, Rodney, you awake, buddy?"

His hand was in mid-air reaching to tap his comm when he remembered he needed to take off the AGCD before he answered. He slipped it off over his head, dropping it on the counter of his sink. He expected the nauseating whirl, but it didn't make it any better. When he could see again, his face in the mirror was the one he expected, complete with a five o'clock shadow and all his male parts.

"Rodney?" Sheppard's voice sounded... worried?

Rodney waited a moment so he could speak without hurling before he tapped his comm and growled, "What do you want?"

"Hey, buddy," Sheppard's voice was lazy and relaxed. Rodney could see him, sprawled on his bed, all loose limbed and relaxed, his stupid book open on his lap. "You awake?"

"I am now," Rodney grumped for form's sake. He was supposed to be asleep. That was what Meredith had said. "Did you want something or is this call just to bother me?"

"Nah," Rodney heard the smirk in his voice. "I went by your lab on my way to my quarters. When I didn't find you there I was a little worried you might be sick or something." He made no mention of Meredith.

Rodney worried at his lip wondering what it meant.

"Well, I'm fine as you can hear and I'm sleeping or trying to anyway..."

"That's fine," Sheppard drawled. "Just wanted to make sure. See you in the morning at breakfast"

And just like that he was gone. Rodney stared at the familiar _male_ face in the mirror a little relieved. Sheppard had already forgotten about Meredith. It was going to be alright after all.

~~~~~

Rodney arrived at breakfast the next morning confident that the matter of Dr. Meredith McKay had been put away for good. That was until he placed his tray on the table opposite Sheppard.

The man's first words were, "Dr. Meredith Miller?" with the upward tilt of his mobile brow.

Female Rodney might be smooth and seductive, able to lie with feminine ease, male Rodney - not so much. "Yeah? So?" was all Rodney could come up with as a scathing retort. He blamed it on low blood sugar.

Sheppard stared at him from across the table, "McKay, you left her alone in a lab full of top secret, very dangerous equipment. She could have blown us all up."

Rodney had a moment's outrage on Meredith's behalf before he remembered that, oh, yeah, she wasn't real. But he did need to put Sheppard's fears to rest or he was going to find out that Meredith was Rodney and that still wasn't something that Rodney was prepared to have happen.

Sheppard would make his life a living hell. Rodney was sure of it. Sheppard would get his teeth in it and wouldn't let it go until Rodney was ready to kill himself with a spoon. He took a deep breath and prepared to lie like his very life depended on it. Because it did.

"She wouldn't do that, Sheppard, she's Canadian."

Sheppard regarded him askance, his fork paused mid air, "And Canadians have never been known to build bombs before?"

Rodney couldn't refute that one. Sheppard might have scored that point, but Rodney wasn't done yet.

He parried with, "I hired her, Colonel. Of course, I know I can trust her." Rodney took a bite of his breakfast, chewing slowly, hoping to forestall any further argument.

Sheppard was having none of it, though. "Seriously, McKay, you don't usually leave the newbies alone with all the good toys. I mean, even if she can be trusted," John continued talking over Rodney's attempt to interrupt, "and I'm sure she can since you hired her and she's Canadian and all,"

And yes, Rodney could hear the sarcasm loud and clear.

John continued without pause, "It's always dangerous leaving the newbies with the Ancient Stuff, they don't know not to touch things..."

Rodney had had enough, "She's not completely stupid," he snapped feeling justified in defending his feminine self. "She's shown me in her few days here that she can be trusted with responsibility and people are always telling me to trust my people more... So, I was just..."

Sheppard huffed in impatience, "Rodney, I was just saying that, maybe in this case, a little more caution might be a good thing..."

But Rodney talked over him, "giving her a little free reign. I'm sure I won't be sorry about it."

Sheppard glared at him, a frown tugging at his lips before he shrugged. "You're the one that's going to have to put the city back together when she blows it up." He went back to his breakfast. There was evidence of a pout, which Rodney was ignoring.

"Fine!"

And Rodney was sure that was it. That was the last he was going to hear about Dr. Meredith Miller.

Except then Sheppard said, "Oh, hey, will she be in the lab this morning? I loaned her my jacket last night and I need to get it back."

Rodney blinked at Sheppard, his mind a whirling mass of – panic! panic! panic!. "I ah, have this thing," he stammered at last, rising. "Back at the lab, to take care of."

He fled, his breakfast completely forgotten.

Sheppard yelled after him, "McKay, what about Dr. Miller? Rodney? Tell her I'll stop by later to get my jacket."

Rodney waved back at him, "I'll have her bring it back to you."

He got out fast before Sheppard could say anything else.

~~~~~

Rodney went straight to his office. He didn't use it often but his underlings knew to leave him alone when he was in there. He had to create a life and persona for one Dr. Meredith Miller. It was clear she was going to be haunting him until he could arrange for her very sad demise or her speedy return to Earth.

Whichever he could manage first.

~~~~~~

Rodney skulked in the shadows of the city looking out at the pier where Sheppard stood, totally oblivious to his presence.

It was unbelievable to Rodney that Sheppard had lugged his favorite golf paraphernalia all the way from the Milky Way. Sheppard claimed that he deserved it for his promotion to Lieutenant Colonel. No one ever thought he'd make it much past captain, he said, so he was celebrating.

For Rodney, celebrating meant white boards and too much booze and maybe sex. But, to each his own.

John had set up the putting green the second they'd returned to the Pegasus Galaxy. He came out once or twice a week (weather and Wraith permitting) to hit balls into the ocean.

Rodney couldn't believe that *he* was up at the ass-crack of dawn, but some things a man just had to do.

Or rather a woman.

The sun was just coming up over the horizon. John was lit by a golden kind of light that was just... yeah, Rodney could stand there all day and watch him, despite the fact that he thought golf was the most boring sport ever (with the possible exception of fishing). He just didn't get the attraction of hitting a little ball. But then Rodney had infinitely more important things to do with his time, like save the city half a dozen times.

He did have to admit that Sheppard looked really good out there. His body was one long, lean line. Rodney liked watching the interplay of muscles when Sheppard swung, and watching his ass always made Rodney's mouth go dry.

This day Rodney stood a little while longer than he normally might before interrupting Sheppard. Not just to watch, but to calm his own nerves. This was the first time he was going out deliberately as a woman.

He pulled convulsively at the shirt he wore, really no different than the science-team shirt he wore as a man, it just kept riding up. He was very aware of the breasts that were _there_. They moved every time he so much as breathed and he kind of wanted to touch them. He didn't know how woman got anything done with the damn distracting things right there always under their noses.

He finally felt like he'd stalled as long as he could. If he left it any longer, Sheppard was going to turn around and see him. Rodney wanted to be the one with the upper hand this time. He took a breath (causing the damn breasts to rise alarmingly), and took a step out onto the pier.

"Colonel," Rodney called out.

Sheppard paused mid-swing. He turned to look over his shoulder. The slow upward curve of his lips caused Rodney's heart to beat a little faster.

"Dr. Miller," he drawled out in greeting.

"Call me Meredith," Rodney said, trying for smooth. Mostly he thought he sounded nervous, but Sheppard must not have noticed because he nodded.

"Okay, and you can call me John."

Rodney blinked.

Had Sheppard ever asked Rodney to call him John? Although Sheppard did call him Rodney sometimes (or rather _Raw-dnee,_ ) usually it was just McKay. He pushed that thought aside. He had a mission. He needed to accomplish his goal and get out.

He held out the jacket.

"Dr. McKay told me that you were looking for your jacket. I'm sorry I didn't return it sooner."

Sheppard slid his golf-bat thingie into its bag and accepted the proffered jacket.

"Thanks, Meredith." He smiled warmly. "But I didn't mean you to bring it out here like this. I didn't think scientists knew what 7 a.m. was."

Rodney smiled back, wanting nothing more than to throw his lips against that smile and kiss the hell out of it. He wondered if it was something about women's hormones that was making his crush for Sheppard so much _more_. Usually he was able to control his random Sheppard impulses better than this, at least until he was back in the privacy of his quarters.

Rodney laughed and was mortified to realize that he was, oh, god, _giggling,_ "Oh, we know what it is, Col... John. We just don't choose to acknowledge its existence."

They stood staring at each other a moment before Rodney coughed, "Well, I should be going. I have work to do," he waved a vague hand back at Atlantis. He began to edge backwards in the direction of the door, "I can see that you're busy." Rodney cast a glance over at Sheppard's waiting golf... stuff... things.

John stopped him with, "It's early still, no one will even be in the lab yet. Come on and hit a few balls with me." He pulled a bat thing out of the bag, holding it out to Rodney in invitation.

Rodney eyed it dubiously. As much as he liked spending time with Sheppard, he'd never wanted to learn how to play golf. "I don't know." He chewed on his lip thoughtfully until he realized that Sheppard was staring at his mouth. Rodney swallowed and squeaked out, "I really should get back. Dr. McKay..."

John took his arm, urging him forward, "Oh, don't let Rodney scare you, his bark is worse than his bite. Come on, live a little." John pulled him over to where the tee was waiting. He stood back watching Rodney hopefully. Rodney never could say no to Sheppard, not really.

"What do I do?" he asked uncertainly. All he knew of golf was watching Sheppard hit the ball out into the water. He took the proffered golf thing hesitantly.

Sheppard pulled a ball out of a waiting bucket and placed it on the floor in front of Rodney on its little stand. "It's easy, really," he said. "You just take the club and you hit the ball."

Taking a step back Sheppard mimicked hitting the ball with the... club that Rodney held in his hands.

"Okay..." Rodney said doubtfully. He swallowed. Adopting what he thought was an approximation of Sheppard's stance, he drew the club back preparing to hit the tiny little ball.

"No, wait," Sheppard said. "Here like this."

He slid in behind Rodney, molding himself around Rodney's body. It was the most touch Rodney had had in... he didn't know since when. His whole body just wanted to melt back into Sheppard's, to feel that warm, lean length pressed up against his body. He didn't even care if he was a girl at this point. He just wanted to touch Sheppard.

"Think of golf like physics," Sheppard murmured into Rodney's ear, low and sweet, his breath tickling the hair on Rodney's neck.

"Physics?" Rodney stuttered. Did a girl's blood go south? Rodney didn't know where it went, but it certainly wasn't his brain, because he could no longer think. All his brain was saying was, ' _Sheppard,_ ' and, ' _warm,_ ' and ' _god, yes_.'

"Yeah, you know – like the dimples on the golf ball are there to give the ball more lift,"

"Lift?" Rodney answered in a daze. He was hyper-aware of the light touches as Sheppard adjusted his stance, the way he was holding the club.

"Yeah, lift. They reduce the drag during the ball's flight and that increases its carry through the air." Sheppard didn't seem to be aware of the affect he was having on Rodney with his little touches and nudges. Rodney thought he might just combust from that alone. Having Sheppard talk physics was another thing altogether. That was incendiary.

Sheppard continued talking in that low, sexy, bedroom voice, "Your swing is very important. It's all about angular motion. You have torque and angular velocity and rotation."

And that was it.

Rodney had to get out.

He might have thought that bringing the jacket back was just a way of proving to Sheppard that Meredith Miller wasn't a saboteur or a double agent, but Rodney realized it was really a way to see if Sheppard responded to Rodney as a woman, the way he had that night in the lab.

Now, Rodney had his answer and he had to get out before he did something he would regret, like throwing Sheppard to the ground and ravishing him.

Because Rodney was in the ravishing mood.

He could feel the want. He wanted Sheppard – as a man or a as a woman it didn't matter, Rodney McKay wanted John Sheppard.

If he gave into that impulse to let Sheppard have his wicked Kirk way with Meredith Miller, when Sheppard found out Meredith was Rodney... Well, that would be bad. That would be using Sheppard in a way that would be wrong and bad. It would destroy their friendship in ways that Rodney's persistent rudeness and bad manners hadn't managed to do. That friendship was the most important thing to Rodney. He had to get out now before he ruined it irrevocably.

Rodney practically wrenched himself out of John's arms.

"I'm sorry, Col... uhm, I mean, John," he babbled to John's confused, 'wha?'

"I just thought of something I have to... You know.. Do. I mean, I've got to go."

Rodney practically ran back to his quarters. He tore the device from around his neck and tossed it into a drawer vowing never to wear it again, no matter what.

~~~~~

It was a quiet afternoon in the lab.

There were no approaching Wraith ships intent on the expedition's destruction. There were no killer storms on the horizon, no Genii invading and trying to take over the city. It was downright boring.

An afternoon where something wasn't trying to kill them was an all-too-rare occurrence in Atlantis. Rodney seized the opportunity offered to actually work on one of his own projects before he was too old to remember what they were. As long as one of his so-called minions didn't do anything too stupid requiring his presence, he might actually get something accomplished.

Unfortunately Sheppard didn't get the memo.

Rodney was lost deep in the world of the probable and the theoretical when he heard Zelenka say,

"Meredith Miller? No, Colonel, I do not think I know who this is."

Rodney lifted his head to find Sheppard loitering at Zelenka's work station, his hip perched casually on the workbench..

Normally Rodney would be happy to see Sheppard. There were always Ancient devices lying around that they were just waiting to use his uber-gene to activate (they had a box labeled 'get Sheppard to active'). And Rodney just liked his company. He was smart and funny and he seemed to (inexplicably) enjoy Rodney's company.

But Rodney didn't want to see him today. Not until he forgot the whole Meredith Miller business. So Sheppard was going to have to find out who was boss of the lab.

"Colonel," Rodney called sharply, "don't you have work to do?"

Sheppard gave a little twist of his lean, lithe body raising an eyebrow at Rodney, "Hey, McKay, you were so quiet, I didn't see you there."

"Oh, hardee har har. Really not," Rodney laughed derisively. "I know as military commander of Atlantis you must have an office, despite the fact that no one has ever seen you in it. So, shouldn't you be there, doing something commanderish?"

Zelenka and Sheppard exchanged a look.

Sheppard rolled his eyes.

And that? Was. it.

"As for you, Zelenka, I know you have work to do because those calculations you showed me this morning? My niece could do better and she's still in diapers."

"Hey!" Sheppard frowned at Rodney. "What crawled up your ass and died? I thought you'd be in a better mood with this new wunderkind you have down here. Although Zelenka seems to have missed her. You sure you've never met Dr. Miller, Radek?"

Zelenka chewed at his lip and started to shake his head.

Until Rodney glared at him from behind Sheppard's back.

"Dr. Miller, you say?" Radek amended hastily, squinting his eyes at Rodney trying to decipher Rodney's desperate hand signals.

Sheppard whirled around to eye Rodney with narrow-eyed suspicion.

Rodney dropped his hands to his key board, typing furiously as he spoke with studied intensity, "You know, Dr. Miller, Radek. She arrived on the Daedalus with the new arrivals last week."

When they'd arrived in Pegasus (of course after they had averted certain death), any entertainment they'd managed to smuggle from Earth was all uploaded to a central server so everyone could share. It was through that shared entertainment that Radek had discovered a veritable obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Radek had been moaning for an entire year that they only had the first two seasons.

While he had been home briefing the IOA, Rodney had spent an intense evening filling an entire box full of flash drives with every scrap of TV and movies that he could find. He intended to use his booty to trade for things of value like the really good coffee and chocolate, but this was an emergency.

" _Once More with Feeling*_ ," was all Rodney typed into the IM window. He pushed send with a vicious jab of his finger.

Radek was smooth, Rodney had to admit. He didn't give away what was on the screen. He just blinked at Sheppard and said, "Dr. Miller? Oh, you mean _Dr. Miller_. Yes, yes, I remember her now. Very nice, very smart, we are lucky to have her here. Have you met her?" His manner was way too bright. Rodney didn't believe for a second that Sheppard would buy it. He had (despite his slacker attitude and perky hair) good instincts about when people were trying to deceive him.

Sheppard frowned, his gaze moving from Radek to Rodney and back again, suspicion written in every line of his body. "As a matter of fact I have."

Radek leaned forward, his voice lowered to a confidential level yet still loud enough for Rodney to clearly hear, "I think Rodney has sad crush on her."

Rodney was going to kill Radek.

"I do not know how we got along without her, she is very brilliant," Radek went on in excessively effusive manner. "She has already found answer to several things that have been stumping us for quite some time now."

The urge to jump over the work bench and kill Radek was growing with every word. The only thing that kept Rodney from actually doing it was that Sheppard would have found that to be extremely suspicious. He settled for glaring at Radek. He mouthed the words, "you are going to die," behind Sheppard's back.

He also typed into the IM window, " _THAT'S ENOUGH!_ "

Radek blinked at Rodney innocently.

Sheppard glanced around the room, "Any chance she's around, Doc? I was hoping to see her here today."

"No, no," Radek said, never once looking at Rodney for his instruction or bothering to read the IM window that read, " _you don't have a clue where she is._ " Instead he went with, "The desalinization system needed maintenance. Rodney sent her to take care of it."

Rodney could see the train wreck happening, he just couldn't think how to avoid it.

"You what?" Sheppard snapped.

Radek shrugged unrepentantly, "It is job so simple even a monkey can do it, so Rodney says. I do not think she can mess it up."

"It's all the way on the other side of the city. In the uninhabited part of the city. Did you send an escort with her?"

Radek shrugged, turning his innocent look on Sheppard, "Why no, Colonel, did we need to do that?"

Radek knew that scientists didn't go anywhere outside of the safe zones of the city without a military escort. He usually insisted on it.

Rodney was going to kill him. Slowly. With prejudice. While Buffy played in the background.

Before Rodney could think of any way to stop him, Sheppard was headed for the door calling out instructions over his shoulder, "Call her and tell her that I will be joining her." He paused to fix his gaze on Rodney, "We'll be talking about this when I get back, McKay." He was gone before Rodney could stop him.

Rodney shot an evil glare in Radek's direction, "Stall him," he hissed as Rodney left the lab by another door racing against Sheppard to find the stupid Ancient device, get his clothes changed and get to the desal lab all before Sheppard arrived.

"Just make sure you get me that disk," Radek's voice followed him into the hall.

~~~~~~

Rodney was sure that when the city was full of Ancients it made sense to have the desalinization systems on the far side of the city in the lowest level with only a thin layer of wall (Ancient wall, but wall nevertheless) between Rodney and the ocean.

With most of the inhabitants of the expedition located in and around the central tower it was a trek of 20 minutes or so out to the lab to maintain the desalinization system (that was with transporters that practically took them from one spot to the other), which they had to do on a regular basis if they wanted things like fresh water for drinking and showers or water to irrigate the plants the botanists were always going on about.

The salt water was corrosive. Of all the Ancient systems in the city it was the one that required the most upkeep. Someone had to be sent at least once a month to take care of it. It wasn't hard work; but it was time consuming and had the potential for being messy if you had to change filters or anything of the manual, hands-on, sort.

Rodney usually sent whoever he thought needed to be punished at the moment (Lately it had been Jansen. The man had thought he had come up with a way to recharge the ZedPMs. He had even gone so far as to try out his theory on his own without telling anyone about it, blowing up most of a lab. While the man himself had been a little singed around the edges, no one had been hurt which was why Rodney let him continue working in the labs – strictly supervised. And he ended up with the 'duty' for three months running) or whoever he thought needed a comeuppance the most (that had been Kavanaugh more often than not until he'd gone back to Earth). After doing the initial work to get the system running properly again after 10,000 years it was never ever Dr. Rodney McKay doing the maintenance because he had better things to do with his time.

Until today.

He raced back to his quarters to change into Meredith's clothes before he made his way (by the quickest route possible) to the lab where the desalinization systems were housed. He stuffed the AGCD into a pocket. There was no need to actually put the thing on until he got to the lab. The less people that saw Meredith Miller, the less people he'd have to kill later.

Radek kept up a running commentary in his ear as Sheppard was met by suddenly malfunctioning transporters and lights going off in unfamiliar corridors. Despite how pissed he was at Radek, Rodney did have to grin at the thought of Sheppard being forced to take the stairs when the transporters suddenly quit on him. It would give him a little time to get to the lab ahead of Sheppard.

Even so, Rodney barely made it before Sheppard came strolling in. Rodney had just slipped the AGCD on over his head and experienced the nausea-inducing change to his female self. He did his best to look like he'd been there all along and not racing through the hallways one step away from a heart attack.

"John," Rodney greeted Sheppard as he walked through the door. He did his best to sound surprised, "What are you doing here?"

Sheppard regarded Meredith with his most inscrutable face. It made Rodney shiver to have Sheppard look at him like that, as if he was an enemy that Sheppard was figuring out how best to deal with. Sheppard used that face on Genii commanders, not on anyone in the city.

"You're not supposed to be out here alone," Sheppard practically growled. "It's not safe."

Rodney did actually agree with the policy that none of the civilians went into the unexplored parts of the city without a military escort, but they had been working in this lab for over a year without incident. He was confident they knew everything there was to know about it; it was as safe as any place in the city.

Rodney was becoming more confident in his Meredith Miller persona so he smiled at the colonel, letting his new dimples show, "I'm sure it's safe, John, but it is nice to have the company."

Sheppard didn't smile back. His gaze swept the lab, lingering on the darkened consoles against the wall.

"That's the first thing you have to learn about Atlantis, Dr. Miller," Sheppard informed him coldly (Rodney wondered what he'd done to suddenly be Dr. Miller again. It was Radek who'd sent Meredith off to work on the systems alone, dammit), "nothing is ever safe here. You always have to be ready for something to bite you in the ass."

Maybe it was the lack of oxygen from the race across the city, maybe it was the new hormones racing through his body, but Rodney smiled at Sheppard, flirting a little, "Why, John," he purred, "you do care."

Sheppard relaxed a little at that. He waved at the console Rodney was working at, "How are you doing here?" Sheppard asked.

"It's going to take a while, John." It was. It was slow and tedious and kind of boring. That's why Rodney usually sent someone that wasn't him.

Sheppard paced around the lab, pausing to peer at one of the other consoles. He already looked bored and restless. Oh, joy, there was nothing worse than a bored, restless John Sheppard. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked, stopping to peer over Rodney's shoulder.

"Don't touch anything," Rodney snapped when Sheppard reached out to poke at the console Rodney was working at.

Sheppard stared at Rodney his eyes narrowed. Rodney could see the calculations going on behind his eyes. "You sound just like, McKay," he said. "You've been spending way too much time with him."

Rodney couldn't help the snort that escaped him, "You have no idea," he said with a small, private smirk.

Sheppard frowned at him, but didn't comment. "How long is this going to take?"

"It takes as long as it takes." Rodney turned his attention back to the system diagnostics he was running. He was *not* paying any attention to the moody colonel prowling the room like a caged lion. Absolutely not.

"Listen," he finally snapped, irritated at the constant pacing behind him, "sit down and don't touch anything until I'm done."

Sheppard gave a frustrated huff. "Sure, yeah, I'll get right on that."

Irritation Rodney could work with. Irritation meant he wasn't constantly aware of Sheppard's every move in the room. He turned back to his work, focusing on the job at hand. He wanted to get finished as quickly as possible so he could go back and kill Zelenka.

Rodney made a mental note that it would be Radek scheduled to do this maintenance for the next three months if he had any say. And he did. He was the boss.

It really was tedious work, but it required concentration. Rodney had forgotten that Sheppard was in the room until he heard,

"Oh, that is cool!"

He whirled around, not having any idea what to expect, to discover that the wall separating Rodney McKay from the ocean had disappeared. It was now opaque and there was a wall of water visible instead. He had a brief moment of absolute terror where he was certain he was going to be drowned when he realized that the water wasn't flooding the room, it wasn't swamping him and stealing his last breath.

Sheppard stood next to the seemingly solid wall of water poking it with a finger. He turned back to Rodney with the same grin he'd had when he tossed Rodney off the balcony in the control room.

"This is so cool, we have to call Rodney."

Rodney experienced the dissonance of knowing that Sheppard was talking about _him_. Sheppard was standing there, practically bouncing on his toes, and wanting to share the moment with his friend, and Rodney couldn't let him do it.

"Colonel," he said in the most disapproving voice possible as Sheppard was reaching for his ear piece, "what did you do?" He crossed his arms under his chest and glared at Sheppard expectantly.

Sheppard's hand fell. His joy faltered as the smile disappeared. "Do?" With his crestfallen face, he looked like the kid who'd been caught with the pieces of his mother's favorite lamp all around him.

"I didn't do anything. Atlantis just does things for me sometimes." He shrugged, "I thought that it would be cool if we could see the ocean and then... I could." A little of Sheppard's former ebullient smile returned, lifting the corners of his mouth. "It's cool!"

Rodney let himself feel relief. It was obvious the wall was still there. It had just somehow become a window in that way things changed sometimes on Atlantis. Trust Atlantis to save all the good tricks for Sheppard.

Rodney had to struggle hard not to let himself be caught by Sheppard's excitement, because it *was* cool. But he was Meredith Miller right now. And she didn't think that clear walls that held back an entire ocean were cool.

"Colonel, didn't I tell you not to touch anything?" He pointed to the wall on the other side of the room. "Now if you would kindly please sit down and let me work, I'll be done here soon."

"Fine." Sheppard pouted as he held up his hands so Rodney could see he wasn't touching anything. He headed sullenly toward the indicated wall.

"Fine," Rodney snapped back as he bent back to the task at hand.

Zelenka was going to be doing the maintenance for the next six months.

Things were quiet again after that for a while. Rodney thought he was really going to do it. He was going to get the work done, they were going to get back to the city with his secret still intact where he could go back to work on his plan to kill Meredith Miller for once and all.

He knew he was wrong when he heard the click.

That was all.

There wasn't anything else, just a click. There was no longer the sound of Sheppard's footsteps pacing behind him, there was no aggrieved huffs, or the sound of the tapping that he'd been doing to deliberately irritate Meredith Miller (or so Rodney thought. It was such a Sheppard thing to do).

He did turn now already in full rant mode.

"I thought I told you..." he trailed off as his brain struggled with what he saw.

Besides the clear wall, there was now an airlock kind of room visible _outside_ the room Rodney currently occupied. Sheppard was _in_ the airlock and it was rapidly filling with water.

"Oh, fuck," he breathed out as he ran across the room to where Sheppard was beating on the invisible wall frantically. It was like Lindstrom all over again, only worse because this was Sheppard.

Rodney knew the wall would be there, but he ran into it anyway in his need to reach Sheppard. For being invisible it was pretty solid.

Sheppard calmed down when he realized that he'd gotten Meredith's attention. He mouthed something that looked like 'get McKay' and tapped at his earpiece. Rodney didn't hear anything, so somehow the airlock blocked communication.

"It's okay, it's okay," Rodney babbled in reassurance to Sheppard, who couldn't hear him, but nodded anyway. "I'm going to get you out of there." He pointed at his tablet computer that was hooked up to the console. "I need to go over there and see what I can find," he shouted, although he was pretty sure Sheppard couldn't hear him any more than Rodney could hear Sheppard.

Sheppard nodded. He gave an almost involuntary glance down to his feet. Rodney followed his gaze. He was horrified to see that the water had risen from swirling around Sheppard's ankles to nearly his knees in just the short time he'd been standing there doing nothing but talking.

He rushed back to the console, tapping his earpiece as he went.

"Radek," he snapped out.

"Zelenka here," Radek answered. "Who is this please?"

"It's Rodney," he ground out. He so did not have time for this. He'd take the device off but he just didn't have the half second needed to do that.

"McKay? I do not know who you are, but this is not funny..."

Rodney's fingers were racing over the keyboard as he tried to find out what had trapped Sheppard and how to free him. He made the mistake of looking back. The water was still rising fast – it was nearly to Sheppard's chest.

"Listen to me, Radek, I don't have time to explain. This is Meredith Miller who is actually Rodney McKay," he didn't have time for more explanation; Sheppard's life was on the line. But Radek was almost as much a genius as Rodney, he connected the dots immediately.

"Rodney? What did you do?"

"Shut up, Radek, there's no time, Sheppard is trapped in some sort of airlock here in the desal lab, and it's filling with water. I can't get him out."

It was one of the things Rodney liked best about Radek, he didn't waste time asking for unnecessary explanation. He just asked, "What can I do to help?"

"Search the database. See what you can find. I'm working on it here, but I'm..." he paused as he thought he'd found what he was looking for.

Of course there had to be a way to get outside of the lab to change the filters and maintain the intake lines into the city, they just hadn't found it yet. Trust Sheppard and his super gene to find the door out and break it at the same time.

Almost against his will, Rodney looked back.

He was horrified to see that the room was completely filled with water. Sheppard was pressed against the door, beating at it in futility, bubbles escaped from him to rise to the ceiling. His eyes met Rodney's for a brief second. Rodney could see the panic there as Sheppard struggles began to slow.

"No," Rodney worked harder, cursing the Ancients who didn't think they needed instruction manuals or warning labels. No, just let people blunder around the city, getting killed by flying darkness and nanite viruses.

Well, he wasn't going to let it kill John Sheppard.

He gave a triumphant shout as he found the controls for the airlock door. He was barely in time to abort the opening of the sea door. He wasn't even going to think about Sheppard floating out the door and into the ocean (He had a flash of seeing Lindstrom being sucked out of the Daedalus. He couldn't let that happen to Sheppard). He pushed the buttons that would over ride the safety protocols. He forced the door to open even though the air lock was still full of water. Sheppard didn't have time for the room to empty and refill of air. His struggles had stopped completely. He was floating in the room, his body completely limp now.

Rodney wasn't prepared for the flood of water that gushed into the room, almost knocking him off his feet. He clung to the console until the water was eddying playfully around his feet.

He hurried to kneel beside John's sodden body where it had washed up in a crumpled heap against the opposite wall. He straightened the twisted limbs carefully; running his hands down them to make sure that there was nothing broken.

Shit, Sheppard was nearly blue he was so cold.

Rodney placed two fingers carefully on Sheppard's throat. He nearly sobbed when there was nothing there, no steady pulse to assure him that his friend lived. Nothing.

He tapped his earpiece again, "Medical emergency in the desal lab," was all he said. It didn't matter that they didn't recognize his voice. Zelenka would make them send someone. He did not have time for questions or answers. He had to breathe for John Sheppard.

Rodney liked to complain about it (loudly and at length), but he took all of the first aid courses that Carson gave.

He saw firsthand the things that could happen in the Pegasus Galaxy. It had been the most frustrating experience of his life when he had been forced to watch while Ford and Teyla took care of Sheppard during the Iratus bug incident. Rodney had been worse than useless. It was Sheppard who had to talk Rodney down during that mission.

Rodney had vowed then that (while medicine might be a soft science) he was going to learn whatever he could to make sure he wouldn't be useless the next time he was needed like that. He had hoped to never have to use that knowledge.

He didn't know how long he knelt there at Sheppard's side, caught up in the rhythm of 2 breaths and 30 compressions, not letting himself feel it as exhaustion began to creep in. His whole world narrowed to the mouth under his, the chest under his hands.

Somehow he never thought that having his way with Sheppard was going to be quite like this.

Suddenly there were hands pulling him away and he struggled against them.

"No," he sobbed, "I can't stop. His heart's not beating."

"Lass," the soft Scottish brogue penetrated the haze, "let us take care of him."

Rodney blinked. He was surprised to see that the room was filled with people. He shivered as he realized that he was pretty much soaking wet from kneeling in the water at John's side and freezing cold. A nurse tried to coax him away with a promise of a warm blanket, but he refused to go too far. He had to stay nearby and make sure Sheppard was going to be alright. He still wasn't breathing on his own, there was no heart beat.

He watched with dull, weary eyes as Carson placed the paddles on Sheppard's chest and called, "Clear."

Sheppard's body arched and then settled.

Rodney waited tensely, hardly daring to breathe himself. The machine that Carson's team had hooked up to Sheppard just gave off a flat, monotonous tone.

Carson placed the paddles again and called, "Clear."

This time when Sheppard's body arched, the machine emitted a faint, irregular beat just before Sheppard coughed, sea water spewing from him. Carson hurried to turn him into a rescue position.

The machine settled into a rhythm. It was the sweetest sound Rodney had ever heard.

Rodney felt himself crumpling as he found that he couldn't hold himself up any longer. It was only his worry for Sheppard that had been keeping him on his feet. Now that Sheppard was breathing again, he didn't have that to keep him upright.

Strong hands caught him and pulled him close. He huddled into the warmth of the body next to him.

"Thank you very much for saving him," Teyla said very low, so only Rodney could hear.

Rodney knew she was talking, he heard the words, but he was so tired he didn't know what they meant.

"Teyla?" he asked in confusion.

"Do I know you?" she asked. Her eyes searched his, but he didn't see any recognition there.

He blinked at her, weariness pulling at him. He finally realized that he was still wearing the damn AGCD. There had been no time to take it off while he'd been trying to save Sheppard's life.

He reached up with a shaky hand and lifted it off.

Teyla watched him, her mouth a round 'o' of surprise as he literally changed before her eyes.

He pressed the necklace into her hand. Some distant part of him noted that the device was one of those that, once activated, would work for anyone. Because he had a brief glimpse of the strikingly handsome man Teyla would have been before he slid into the darkness that had been pulling at him.

~~~~~

"I do not understand why the Ancients would have a device that would change your gender?" Teyla asked the room at large.

Rodney hated staff meetings with a passion. Usually it was all a lot of talking where the soft sciences tried to convince Elizabeth that he was picking on them. He hated the ones most of all where he was at the center of the discussion and not because he was being awarded a Noble prize.

"It was part of their research into ascension," Radek answered Teyla's question. "They felt that a person should know all parts of their 'self' in order to be able to ascend. By experiencing the other half of their nature, whether it be male or female, they would know more about themselves."

"Well, Rodney," Elizabeth turned to him, as did every eye in the room.

Rodney squirmed in his seat, ill at ease with everyone looking at him.

"What did you learn about your 'self' from this experience?" She appeared to be genuinely interested, but Rodney knew it was a trap.

Mostly, all he'd learned from being Meredith was that the clothes were too tight and the breasts were damned distracting. But he didn't think that was what she was looking for.

"I think I learned that it doesn't matter if I'm male or female, I know who I am." There was surprise in Elizabeth's eyes. Rodney was a little surprised himself at his answer because it felt true.

She didn't give him time to bask in his rare moment of introspection.

Elizabeth held up the device by its chain. She'd confiscated it first thing (after she'd made Rodney demonstrate how it worked. In front of everyone. Elizabeth could be vindictive and mean sometimes). "I just don't get how you thought it was a good idea to use this device without telling anyone," she slipped into her most disapproving voice.

Elizabeth did disapproving well. She was better at disapproval than anyone Rodney had ever met. Maybe it was because she really liked him, she had expectations of him and he hadn't lived up to them.

Whatever, when Elizabeth looked at him with disapproval in her eyes, it always made Rodney feel about two feet tall. Not that he'd tell her that. He stared at the AGCD as it spun and wouldn't meet her eyes.

Radek was regarding him intently, his eyes narrowed. "He didn't want to tell us," he announced to the room at large.

"What? Why?" Elizabeth turned to Radek.

"Because he thought we would... uhm... what is word?"

"Torment him unmercifully?" Carson supplied helpfully.

And Rodney had to nip that in the bud. "Oh, yes, that's right, I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid of a little ridicule."

Elizabeth dropped the AGCD onto the table. She folded her hands calmly in front of her and regarded him steadily, "If that's not the reason, then what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I was studying it, okay? I knew that all of you," he fixed Radek with his most scornful gaze, "would only take a puerile interest in the device."

"Studying it? Like flirting with Colonel?" Radek shot right back at him.

"I was not flirting," Rodney insisted hotly. Radek wasn't even there to know. He was just making suppositions from the available evidence, but he didn't *know* anything. "I was conducting research to see if he could tell the difference."

"Yes, I am sure this is so," Radek snorted and rolled his eyes.

He was so going to have desal duty for the next year.

"How is the colonel?" Elizabeth turned to Carson. Rodney was relieved that they had moved on, at least for the moment. He didn't think for a second that they wouldn't come back to him.

Carson nodded gravely, "He's doing well enough. He is recovering after all from near drowning. I want to keep him in the infirmary for a couple of days for observation. There could be complications from swallowing all that sea water. We're running samples now but we don't have any idea what kinds of microbes might be in the water. Not to mention that his heart was stopped for several minutes and we need to keep an eye on him for that also."

As Rodney listened to Carson talk, all he could think about was Sheppard's body lying crumpled against the wall. Sure it was like the 5th or 6th time Sheppard had almost died so Rodney should be used to it by now. But he wasn't. All he could think about was that Sheppard had to be running out of lives, cats only got nine. How many times could one man cheat death anyway?

He sighed in frustration and looked up to find them all: Elizabeth, Radek, Lorne, Carson, Teyla, they were all watching him.

"What?" he asked, afraid he'd missed something important.

Elizabeth sighed the sigh of a leader who didn't quite know what to do with one Rodney McKay. "Rodney... Why don't you take the rest of the day off? Carson says you could use some recovery time, too. We'll discuss this later."

Rodney felt fine. He wasn't the one whose heart had stopped, but he didn't argue with her. He just nodded and escaped as quickly as he could.

~~~~~~

Normally Rodney would head to the infirmary to check on Sheppard. He didn't have to shut his eyes to see Sheppard's body lying lifeless on the floor of the desal lab. He would like to banish that image from his mind. He just wasn't ready to face Sheppard yet, to try and explain. He needed to think about the mess he had made of their friendship. He needed to figure out how to make it right again.

Although he had no intention of actually resting, Rodney went to his quarters. It was as good a place as any to hide. It had the added benefit of not having Radek there. The little man wasn't going to let Rodney forget this little fiasco any time soon. And to think he'd been afraid of what Sheppard would say. At least he still had the Buffy-filled flash drive to hold over the other man if he got to be too unbearable.

When he got to his quarters Rodney folded all of Meredith's clothes. He put them into a neat pile to return to the quartermaster's office. He picked up the science journals that littered the floor and pretty much every available surface. He made his bed and threw away the piles of power bar wrappers and pudding cups that were scattered around the room.

When that was all done and his quarters were the cleanest they'd been since he moved in, he booted up his laptop and cleaned out the sent file in his email box. He was looking around for something else to do so that he didn't have to think about Sheppard being dead when his door chimed.

Before he had a chance to tell whoever was there to go away, it opened (without his permission). Sheppard was standing there in his doorway still wearing his white infirmary scrubs, his feet bare.

"Is Meredith home?" he asked with a wicked smirk.

"Oh, very funny, Colonel," Rodney answered. He took a step back, just a little afraid that Sheppard intended to hit him or something. Rodney really didn't think he would, but it was always better to be prepared for the worst, then you were pleasantly surprised when it didn't happen. "Aren't you supposed to be in the infirmary?"

"I'm fine," Sheppard insisted. He gave a glance over his shoulder. "Listen," he said, "Can I come in?"

Rodney frowned because Sheppard didn't look fine, he looked anything but fine. He was as white as his scrubs and he held his body in that too stiff manner of a person who was trying not to move too much because it hurt. But there was no way Rodney could resist Sheppard when he wasn't injured and shivering, so there was no way he was going to be able to now. He stood back and gave a graceless sweep of his hand.

Sheppard slid into the room, the door sliding shut behind him. "You have to hide me," he sounded a little desperately. "I can't stand being in the infirmary a second longer."

That wasn't quite what Rodney expected. He'd kind of thought Sheppard would be pissed at him for lying about Meredith Miller and getting Sheppard killed again. But it didn't sound like he was mad. Maybe things were going to be alright after all.

Rodney decided the best thing to do was to act normal and see what happened.

He quirked an eyebrow at Sheppard, "You've only been there a few hours," he pointed out reasonably. He didn't get why people didn't like being in the infirmary. They brought you jello and took care of you there.

Sheppard kept his eyes on the door as if he expected Carson and his goon squad of nurses to break through and drag him back to the infirmary. "I had to get out. They were all fussing and hovering. Please, Rodney. I'm fine." he said insistantly.

Rodney wanted to just give in and let Sheppard stay. He would have except for the fact was Sheppard's face was nearly as white as the scrubs he wore.

He crossed his arms, frowning, "Oh, yes, like you didn't just drown a few hours ago. I should call Carson right now and tell him where you are."

Even though it was the best place for him, Rodney knew how much John hated being in the infirmary. He didn't like seeming to be weak and out of control. So, no, Rodney wasn't really going to call Carson. Although he wasn't going to tell Sheppard that.

He didn't have to; Carson chose that moment to call him.

"Rodney, have you seen Colonel Sheppard?" Carson's voice called in his ear.

Rodney hit his ear piece, "Have you lost him?"

"He might have managed to elude my staff," Carson hedged.

"Meaning he staged a jail break and now you're trying to put the horse back in the barn as it were," Rodney said sharply.

"Have you seen him or no?" Carson snapped.

Sheppard knew they were talking about him. He shivered and managed to look as pathetic as Rodney had ever seen him. "Please?" he mouthed at Rodney.

Rodney was never able to resist John Sheppard.

"He's here," Rodney told Carson. He held up a hand to forestall Sheppard's hissy fit. "Does he really need to be in the infirmary? You said all he needed at this point was to rest."

"But he won't rest if he's not in the infirmary, Rodney," Carson answered. "You know the man as well as anyone. He'll go sparring with Teyla or work out with the marines. He won't be getting any rest."

Sheppard was royally pissed. He started toward the door. Rodney caught his arm as he stormed by and mouthed 'trust me' before he answered Carson, "What if I volunteer to stay with him and make sure he rests?"

"Oh, aye, Rodney, that's going to work so well. I know how well you rest." Rodney didn't need to be in the room with him to see the eye roll. Seriously, Carson was getting to be as bad as Sheppard.

Sheppard watched him, hanging on every word he could hear of Rodney's conversation. He was starting to look hopeful. Rodney held his gaze steadily as he answered Carson.

"I promise, Carson, no work for either of us. I'll stay with Sheppard and make sure he rests and you won't make him go back to the infirmary."

There was a pause. It was long enough that Rodney was certain Carson was on his way to take Sheppard back to the infirmary, in restraints if necessary. For his part, Sheppard stood his ground chewing on his lip, determined not to go back without a fight.

Finally Carson gave a long-suffering sigh, "Alright, I'll let him stay. But you have to put him to bed and keep him warm."

Rodney felt himself blush at the wave of longing that swept through him at Carson's instructions. If only... He was really glad that Sheppard couldn't hear the whole conversation.

He snapped, "Yes, yes, yes, bed, warm, I've got it."

"I'll be by later to check on the both of you," Carson informed him tartly before signing off.

Rodney gave a wave at the bed. "Well, Carson said you were to go to bed and stay warm." It sounded like a good plan because Sheppard might say he was fine, but his skin was nearly translucent.

Sheppard flashed a ghost of his usual smirk before sinking carefully down onto Rodney's bed. "My hero," he chuffed.

Rodney stared at him trying to decide what you said to someone you almost killed because you were embarrassed. But then he saw that Sheppard was still shaking.

"Oh, my god," the words exploded from him. "You are still just one step from hypothermia, aren't you?"

Sheppard gave a half shrug of one shoulder. He pulled his bare feet up off the floor tucking them up under himself in a lotus style.

"I'm just a little cold," he said in a manner that was supposed to be off-hand, except he was shaking so hard Rodney could see it. "I'm fine."

"You have the survival instincts of a brick," Rodney declared pulling Sheppard up off the bed. He dragged the blanket off after him.

He was wrapping it around Sheppard's shoulders when he realized that he was standing in his room with John Sheppard. Rodney had his arms wrapped around the other man pulling the blanket in tight. They were pretty much pressed against each other.

Sheppard smirked at him, "Hi, Rodney."

Rodney couldn't help himself, he blurted out, "I am so sorry I almost killed you."

Rodney had been expecting Sheppard to yell at him or hit him or something. Instead he leaned into Rodney and gave a soft sigh.

"You're really warm," he whispered into Rodney's ear.

Rodney didn't know what to do then. It felt so good to stand there with Sheppard leaning up against him, his arms wrapped around Sheppard. Except the man was really, really cold, Rodney could feel it through the thin fabric of the scrubs.

He gently pushed Sheppard backwards onto the bed.

"If you're not going to go back to the infirmary, you should at least be in bed staying warm," he said brusquely.

Sheppard caught his hand, pulling him off balance. Rodney sprawled onto the bed pressed half onto Sheppard.

"Hi," Sheppard said. His smile was warm and inviting as his hands pulled at Rodney a little, inviting Rodney into the bed next to him.

"What? What are you doing?" Rodney stuttered over the words.

"Well, you did say I needed to be in bed and stay warm. You're pretty warm." Sheppard pulled the blanket up covering them both. Rodney was still sprawled out over him.

It felt so good; Rodney didn't want to move ever. But he was kind of afraid Sheppard was suffering under some kind of post-drowning euphoria thing. He might not be in his right mind. He didn't want Sheppard to hate him for taking advantage of his delusional state on top of everything else.

Rodney forced himself to move away a little, even though it caused a small pout of distress to appear on Sheppard's face. He needed the distance, being that close to Sheppard, able to feel the lean hard length of him pressed up against Rodney's own body short-circuited his ability to think.

"What is this?" Rodney demanded, a hand waving between the two of them.

Sheppard smirked at him, "I thought you were a genius, you can't figure that out?"

"I know what it looks like, but that can't be right," Rodney insisted stubbornly. Sheppard had never given him any idea that he might be interested in anything besides friendship with Rodney.

Sheppard frowned. "Why can't it be right?"

"Because you're you and I'm me," the words burst out before Rodney could think about them. "You're hot and you can have anyone you want. I'm egotistical and bad with people. And besides you're straight. You can't tell me you weren't flirting with Meredith Miller. I was there remember?"

Sheppard looked resigned to having 'the talk' which was fine by Rodney because he needed to understand things. He knew what it looked like Sheppard was suggesting, but before he jumped in with both feet, he needed to understand the 'why' and the 'why now' and 'why with me?'

Sheppard pushed himself up onto the bed, wincing a little as he settled with his back against the wall. He pulled the covers in tight around him.

"I guess I was flirting with her a little," he admitted with a shy smile.

"A little?" Rodney couldn't believe him. "I thought you were going to throw her down on the green that morning I brought your jacket back and have your Sheppardesque way with her."

"Rodney," Sheppard protested hotly, "I may have flirted with her a little, but it was because I thought she was a spy. I was trying to... I don't know... see what I could get out of her."

"Oh, I know what you wanted to get out her," Rodney informed him sharply. Then he heard what Sheppard had said, "A spy?" he spluttered. "How in the hell could you think that?"

"That first night I walked into your lab? I found her working on your computer, working on one of your projects. You don't even trust Zelenka with your passwords, let alone one of the new scientists fresh off the Daedalus. I was afraid she was going to kill you and leave your body in a dark corner somewhere. I called you remember? I was kind of afraid she'd tied you up somewhere."

Rodney gaped at him, having no idea what to say because it was all true.

"Then you talked so nice about her. You don't speak nicely of anyone."

"I always say nice things about Teyla," Rodney objected.

Sheppard snickered, "Well, yeah, because she can hand you your ass if you piss her off. But you still call her Zena, Warrior Princess behind her back."

Rodney had to allow that one was true. "Still, I'm nice to other people," he insisted stubbornly.

"Not so much," Sheppard answered flatly, but he tempered the harsh words with a soft smile. "Rodney," he paused, swallowing once or twice nervously. He turned away from Rodney to study the diplomas Rodney had hanging on his walls. "I thought you liked her, okay?"

It clicked for Rodney then. "You were jealous!"

Sheppard's ears turned the brightest pink that Rodney had ever seen before.

Rodney stared at Sheppard, his mind racing ahead putting together the pieces. "You like me, and you were jealous of her," Rodney crowed, delighted to have put together the puzzle together.

Then it hit him what he'd said, "You like me?" the words almost stuck in his throat because what if he was wrong? What if Sheppard really did like Meredith Miller, the person who didn't exist, more than he liked Rodney McKay?

Sheppard gave a kind of shrug and mumbled something.

Rodney frowned at him. "What? I didn't hear that."

Sheppard sighed then and met Rodney's eyes, "I said that I might have this little thing for you."

Rodney felt a swelling in his chest, for a moment he was afraid his heart might just explode.

But he had to ask, "It's not because of her is it? You don't like me because I was a girl? Because I have to tell you that it's okay being a girl, but I really like having a dick."

John smiled at that. "No," he said wryly. He reached out to Rodney and pulled him in close enough to breathe into his ear, "I like your dick, too, Rodney. I like boys. I like you."

"You do not," Rodney blurted out. "Remember I was there for Chaya." He crossed his arms and glared at Sheppard.

"Are you seriously going to argue with me about this?" Sheppard asked, one eyebrow raised.

Rodney rethought what he'd just said and realized that it might interfere with his chances of ever getting to have sex (hot sex) with John Sheppard.

"I... okay," he said slowly, letting the idea settle in. He wanted to give in more than anything and just settle in next to Sheppard never to move again, but he had to know, "But why now? Why haven't you ever said anything before this?"

Sheppard's shrug was sheepish, "I guess I didn't know okay. I just..." His eyes met Rodney's, "I guess I was attracted to Meredith Miller, but I was crazy jealous of her, too, because I thought that she was with you and she'd only been here for a few days." He swallowed. "Do I have to finish?"

Rodney nodded. "Yes, you do."

Sheppard took a deep breath as if steeling himself, "Then when Carson told me that Meredith was you, it all clicked for me. I've kind of had a thing for you for awhile now, I just didn't know it until you were Meredith."

Sheppard leaned forward, his hand cupping Rodney's face gently as he kissed him. His lips were full and soft, a little cold still, but warming up rapidly. When he pulled away Rodney felt like he did when he put on the AGCD, the world whirled around him before setting back into place the way it was supposed to be.

"Now," Sheppard said, with a hint of pissy in his tone, "can you come over here and keep me warm?"

John Sheppard was spread out in his bed with his hair sticking up in crazy tufts all over the place. Rodney had never wanted to be anywhere more in his entire life.

"Sure, Sheppard, I can do that." He moved to press himself against Sheppard, to feel that beloved body next to his.

Sheppard pulled the covers back up over them both. He whispered into Rodney's ear, "Call me John."

  



End file.
